zero point zero

Other wants what I have right now. They are envious of me. Staring at me with their shining rounded eyes hoping that we well change place. Well that I imagine or could it be right? It just what I think so they are thinking like that while I envy of them having joy with friends and spending what ever that they could have.

Ahhhhhh.....sweet sweet life of penniless and plenty of free time. Most of it I use for staying home and leisurely reading. Nothing to be worry as if you don't desire anything.

Our Brain Is Not Grey

My mind constantly keeping their tenacious job of thinking by analyzing a situation of some-one and put me in that kind of situation for me to see-from a third person view of myself-my own reaction and judgement upon that situation which is I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I can control my mind but yet I let it slip torturing my own self on various situation, to see how I going to go through that process. After  that I will make a hypothesis, make a research of why I'm making that decision and what cause of it. What influence me to take action? Is it from natural reaction of decision thinking from my mind? Or by deducting it from others experiences? Is it really my brain work or my intuition?

When I reach this paragraph I'm seeing myself looking at back of me-standing, with style and my hand rubbing my imaginary beard that I want-who is sitting on a chair in-front  of a laptop typing this word which is very absurd, don't you think?

So, is this word that I type right now is really want I'm thinking or is it what my mind want it to be happen like this so it can be happening right now?

Paradox? Fuck it. To the Thinking Pod-which is a cool name for a bed, aite?

I Realised Now That Part Of Me Failed As A Big Brother When

My sister asking me

"Is Skillrex coming here soon?"
 

I Lost My Day Today

As I woke up in the morning I thought it was Monday. So the laziness kick in I continue to sleep. I woke up again with a sure sign on Sunday which is I am so damn hungry, so I ate. After that I continue to read the book I slept with, by then it remind me of today is Tuesday I got a work today. On the way I'm going to finish the work I realize the day already past because today is  Thursday, I don't need to get it done now. I play game on my desktop with joy thinking today is Friday and the next day is weekend. Then I watched television and this show I watch suppose to be on weekend, suppose now is Saturday. Later, after taking shower it came to my mind it is Wednesday today. 

A boring day huh. What should I do today?

Fork And Knife

As I walk into the shop ordering what I want, I saw a young lady with little kid that seem kinda familiar. I step back and looking straight at her. She look back at me with a smile and said "You looking good now" and that's when her name hit my brain. I offer myself to sit with her as I am also eating alone. It's kinda nice to have some one to eat with in this gloomy weather. That little kid with her is her first kid. He's only four but he is handsome and so active. I am wondering about the father of that child but I keep my question silent. I just don't feel to talk about her life as much as I don't want to about talk my life to other people. I hate it.


The evening go through with we talking, catching up each other. Not much to talk about because she just busy answering her phone and texting, maybe because of her work. While I keep wandering my mind and playing with her little boy. Sometime she said to her child not to bother me but I just keeping teasing him. I don't mind playing with him, in fact I am much comfortable to be around with little kid.


Since I left my secondary school to go to Teknik, I only contacted with a few friend from my old school and she is not on the list. That's one of the reason why we don't talk that much. The other, I think the main reason we don't talk that much is the awkward feeling I have with her. I can't really be excited to talk to her or do any joke because we were an enemy back then in secondary school. Yeah hell man! For real. She's a prefect and I one of the delinquent with a wicked mind. Me and my friend hate prefect. I used to mock her and driver her crazy until she get mad just because she is a prefect. Oh, I am so bad back then. Broke girls heart, make a boy cry by just talking, make a joke that make Ustazah cried (that gonna be on another story) but keeping the score high in the report card. That's me back then.


So, after finishing high school, I heard a few story about her. Mostly bad story. I just heard about it but I don't judge or said she deserve it back then. What I feel about her is mostly sympathy. Even though I don't like her-just for her being a prefect or maybe I just don't like her like you has to have some one to be hate just to fulfill the need to hate somebody-my mind were thinking what was she thinking back then. She got married after high school and got that first child.


I remember when we were in silence she said that she was single now and that little boy I'm playing with want a little brother. I'm just like make a what-the-hell-is-going-on-right-now faces with a question of what the hell is going on right now? Is she try to hitting me? Try to make me marry her and give a brother to that boy? Is this kind a revenge on me for all the things I do to her back in high school? My mind just like hitting a wall for a second back then. When blank for a while processing all the possibility might happen after that. But then she explained it all. She was single because she is on process for divorce with her second husband-this statement also make my mind hitting a wall for a few more second-and now she is pregnant with her second child that could be a little brother/sister for that little boy. I congrats her for the pregnancy but I didn't say a word about the divorcing issued.


After two hours of talking and the rain is stopping, it's time to make a move. I say good luck and goodbye to her and her child. I wish her to be strong for what she going through. She thanks me but I couldn't thanked her enough. Maybe she is taking her revenge on me for what I did to her back in the high school. By paying all the foods and drinks on the table including what I order for take away make me ashamed and couldn't lifted my head. What can I said? With this rugged unshaven face plus the messy hair, wearing just white tees with a short is just a sure enough signed that you are not in a place to pay the bills. Maybe she just right, I just have enough money for what I eat only. Never mind that. As long as I'm full and she's happy taking her revenge, that's ok with me.